Wrong Guy, Wrong Finger
by Oreithyia
Summary: Tenten was livid. No self-respecting kunoichi marries against her will! He'll never know what hit him. Ever. Moral: Don't mess with Tenten. Anti-Marriage Contract fic. Mean-spirited crack.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or anything associated with it whatsoever. Alas, and woe.

Wrong Guy, Wrong Finger

Neji and Lee stood side-by-side, equally quiet and equally motionless. Neji stood with quiet dignity, successfully covering his surprise. Lee stood with his mouth gaping open and his eyes large enough to rival his legendary eyebrows.

Tenten was in the middle of the open training field, fists clenched, chest heaving as she glared at her target. It was the condition of the target that had the men staring. It wasn't the fact that her projectile had hit dead center that was noteworthy.

Oh, no. Tenten's perfect aim was well known, it was just that the projectile was halfway through the tree the target hung on.

And that projectile was a zanbato.

The mood the kunoichi was in made the male shinobi wonder if it would be wiser if they somewhere else.

Far away.

Like the Water Country.

"Tenten-san," Lee said as diplomatically as possible. "Are you upset about something?"

Tenten growled audibly, the strong lines of her athletic build rigid with tension. Lee flinched and stepped back, giving his teammate a wide berth.

Neji held his ground. Barely.

"Lee," Tenten started as she swung around to face her teammates, unconsciously grabbing a handful of shuriken as she did so, "you won't believe what my parents just told me!"

*****O*****

The home was warm and cozy, a testament to Grandmothers dedication to keeping the house homey. Tenten let herself into the small kitchen through the back door, feeling exhilarated after her workout, the sweat still dribbling down her back and front.

"Hi, Grandmother, Mom," Tenten said as she dropped her pack of gear on the clean swept floor with a loud metallic clang. She sniffed the air in the kitchen expectantly, detecting a welcome aroma. Her favorite food!

"Yay!"

She looked expectantly over her Grandmother's shoulder as she cooked traditional foods on the stove. Tenten turned to the table and noticed another beloved dish.

"Sesame dumplings? Wow!"

"Your mother made them," her grandmother told her as she carefully tossed the vegetables in the wok.

An alarm bell went off. Her mother cooked? _Her_ mother? Mianmian did not cook without good reason.

"Grandmother, what's going?" she asked with a hint of trepidation, looking expectantly at her much shorter grandmother.

The shinobi in Tenten detected the sigh she tried to suppress even as she put on a cheery smile. "Wait and see."

*****O*****

Tenten managed to keep the questions trying to burst free from behind her teeth until after dinner, she really did, but just after the food was blessed the question came roaring free.

"What's going on?" she demanded, trying not to sound spoiled. "Mom, you cooked!" Everyone in there family knew what it meant when her mom actually took the time to cook something. She loathed such traditionally female tasks. Tenten swung her head towards her mother seated beside her at the table. Her mother didn't even flinch as her daughter raised her voice a little too high in earnestness.

Mianmian calmly looked with darks eyes to her only child before looking to the head of the table where her husband sat. "Might as well."

Xengsheng nodded as he set his chopsticks on the rough wood of the table. He had doubted the food would distract her, but it was worth a shot. He looked up to focus on Tenten, the stubborn set to his daughter's jaw reminding him off his wife. Neither of them had any tolerance for things being kept from them. How to explain this without things getting blown up? His daughter was mature and disciplined for her age, but there was no way this wouldn't send her temper rocketing skyward.

He also knew she had recently bought several new mines. The big kind.

"We have some unfortunate news, Huggybear." He saw his daughter's eyebrow twitch and realized too late he'd used her much hated pet name. Not a good start. "You of course know of how desperate the circumstances were before we settled in Konoha."

Tenten nodded soberly, at once shifting to a more focused form of concern. Her people were historically nomadic, moving from region to region, following the flow of resources. They had always been viewed with suspicion by the people whose lands they had passed through; their lack of allegiances and loyalties giving them a communal air of unpredictability. The devastation brought by the Great War had changed that. No allegiance also meant no protection or security, and the threat of killings or even genocide had driven the group to make a decision that would determine their future. Tenten knew the chain of events well; Mianmian was a respected scholarly historian of their people and had been invited to lecture before not only Konoha audiences, but at seminars and universities as far away as the Lighting County's capital.

Her family had argued for joining Konoha. The debates had been long and bitter, cultural identity weighed against extinction. In the end, they had chosen permanent settlements. Even now, some Elders held a grudge against her family for the changes self-preservation required. One of her people's cherished traditions, total pacifism, was at complete odds with the way of life in Konoha. The contract the Elders had drawn up with the Hokage stated specifically they would never be forced to contribute members to become shinobi.

The scandal she had caused when she decided to enter the Academy, decided after reading of the exploits of Tsunade while reviewing manuscripts with her mother, to defend her family against the kind of threats that had existed around the time of her birth was legendary and ongoing. It was also why she decided to specialize in weapons. The more she had the more pissed off the old fogies became.

"We had to consider what would happen if the Elder's decided against joining Konoha," her father continued, his expression resigned. He continued in a monotone, as if distancing himself emotionally. "One of the merchants who traded my works proposed a marriage agreement between you and his son." Tenten's jaw dropped in shock, but before she could say anything, her father continued. "The money in their family promised security." He looked to his wife, how returned his look with support. "In fear of the future we agreed."

Tenten, brown eyes wide, looked to her parents, then to her Grandmother, who had been silent during the explanation. She paused.

"Are you freakin' kidding me?!"

Her father would not have been surprised had flames shot out of her ears. She was furious, and rightly so, but he would rather not have the little girl whose diapers he had once changed reduce their home to finely sliced kindling.

"Calm down. It's not ironclad," he tried to calm her even as he felt his wife's temper beginning to rise in answer to her daughters shouting. And if his mother could just keep from telling her to quite down…

"Tenten, you are free to say no…"

"NO!"

"…but he has to also say no," her father finished, squashing the urge to duck even though the kunoichi was unarmed.

At the moment.

He tried to breath calmly, attempting to catch Tenten's eye in an attempt to return her to reason. If looks could kill, he'd be dead and already ash.

"Tenten," Mianmian took over. She loved her husband, but he was a musician who made traditional instruments, gentle at heart, and he was far too soft on their daughter. Even though she every right to be furious, she did not have the right to speak to them with such a tone. "The would-be fiancé will be here in a week. If you agree to break if off this will all be over."

Tenten breathed through her nose and out through her mouth, deliberately keeping her hand away from her butter knife, dull as it was. She might get creative in her ire. "Who's the idiot?"

Her grandmother spoke up, thick distaste in her voice. "Dingdong."

Tenten's breath caught. Slowly, she slid her eyes towards the wrinkled face. "Seriously? Seriously?!" Tenten fought the urge to bang her head on the table, not only because there was no room and she would do a face plant in the dipping sauce. "Isn't he from that uber-traditional family that hates Mom anyway?"

"Yes, that's him." Mianmian pursed her lips in annoyance while her husband fought the urge to say anything. Any word would get him trouble. "His father accosted me after I gave my presentation at the last Elder's Council and told me if the marriage went forward, you would be forbidden from pursuing a career as a kunoichi."

*****O*****

"That explains the massive explosion I heard during dinner yesterday," Neji concluded calmly.

"Yeah, I owe my parents a new potting shed."

"What are you going to do, Tenten-san?" Lee asked, eyes wider than usual.

"Run him off," Tenten explained, her teeth set in a way that suggested a second with the guy would be a second too many. "My parents don't like him or his family, and the situation has changed so we don't need him." She suppressed a snarl. That loser was going down hard! Who did he freaking think he was?!

Lee immediately came to attention, his fist clenched before him determination. "If that is so, then we shall help you overcome this obstacle to your continued happiness!" The picture of focus and grit, Lee pivoted to face Neji, clearly wanting his declaration as well.

Neji blinked. "I want nothing to do with this."

"But, Neji!" Lee began astounded, dedication bunching his eyebrows together, "our teammate is threatened with the attentions of an unwelcome suitor! How can we abandon her to such a dismal fate?!"

"Watch me."

"It's okay, Lee," Tenten said, feeling a little calmer now that half the training field was in rubble or smoldering ashes. "We have a plan. I'll make him regret ever showing up at our house." Besides, she knew that Neji didn't think she needed help, was concerned about getting caught in whatever it was she was planning. It was heartwarming, in a slightly murderous sort of way.

"Tenten-san, are you certain?" Lee was open and honest, ready to help at a moments notice. She was about to confirm her refusal, when her eyes began to gleam with a new idea.

Neji thought he felt the air go cold.

"Actually, Lee," Tenten began, looking thoughtfully at the taijutsu specialist, "I think I could use your help."

*****O*****

"Are you sure this is wise, Lee?" Neji asked sensibly as Tenten walked towards her home.

"Absolutely!" Lee declared, giving Neji a self-assured thumbs up.

"And if this doesn't work?" Neji asked, meaning how would they deal with an angry Tenten.

Lee paused, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "If it does not work, we shall run!"

"And if that doesn't work?"

"We run faster!"

*****O*****

Her father had been unfailingly polite and formal. Her so-styled fiancé, hereafter the 'unpleasantness', had earned a beating.

So, what if there had been a miscommunication and he had come over bad road to get to Konoha then went around lost for hours and kids had thrown garbage at him? How was that their fault? It was an innocent miscommunication.

Still, the sneer of superiority on his face as he met them, smelly and unwashed from travel and well aimed refuse, in front of the house made Tenten want to detonate something on the spot.

"My daughter. Tenten Na Yeoh." Her father said, following custom, as the gaudily dressed guest was greeted at the door to their home.

Tenten, wearing tastefully made traditional formal wear, bowed elegantly and spoke with precise care. "We are glad you have honored us with your visit, Dingdong Nuh Doi."

The unpleasantness might have been handsome, if he wasn't such a snot. He sniffed, "You should work on your accent if you are going to greet _our_ guests like that."

Tenten kept the seething need for vengeance carefully behind a serene façade as her would be fiancé came to the dinning room after their introductions. She went over the steps in her mind again, using it as a distraction to keep from maiming him before he even got to the table.

Tenten kneeled gracefully on to her pillow while the unpleasantness dropped onto the pillow beside her, the subtle sneer of superiority on his face as he looked at her family's modestly decorated home making her want to introduce him to what Gai-sensei was teaching her with nun chucks.

"Eek!" A shriek escaped him as he leapt back to his feet. A quick snatch near his backside and a rather large sewing needle appeared in his hand.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Tenten giggled, shaking her head at herself and rolling her eyes as she shrugged. "I left my sewing needle out again!" She giggled some more, ignoring the frown on the face of the unpleasantness. "I'm always doing things like that."

Grandmother had made a fine meal for the guest. It would be a delicious treat for the family as the gathered at the table. Too bad Tenten had plans for the share going to the unpleasantness.

"Dingdong-sama," Grandmother said, "please except our humble offering of a meal in honor of your visit." He looked down his nose at her cooking. Mentally, Tenten pondered the best way to introduce that nose to her taijutsu.

"Here," Tenten offered, lifting up a small vessel of spices, "these are fresh from our garden. Please try them." She felt a bit of bile hit the back of her throat from her servile act, but it would be worth it. He was so busy puffing up on over-inflated ego he didn't notice the chakra she slipped into his herbs before she placed an untainted version on her own plate.

The unpleasantness immediately began placing the food in his mouth with exaggerated manners. He was so busy being arrogant after a few swallows he didn't notice Tenten subtlely making a seal and molding chakra.

A moment passed. A funny gurgling sound came from behind the gaudy silks he was wearing. A louder growling followed, causing the whole family to stare. Dingdong began to pale, his eyes widening.

"Dingdong-sama?" Tenten inquired, using her most innocent voice as she ate without effect.

He shot to his feet, slipped on the slick fabric of the pillow and crashed to the floor, then shot up again.

"Where is your bathroom?" he demanded squeakily.

"I'm afraid it's out of order," Xengsheng said apologetically. "We have a temporary outhouse in the backyard."

The unpleasantness cursed before darting out the back door of the house. There was the sound of a crash and a louder curse.

Tenten looked up innocently. "I forgot to put the rack away again, too."

Focusing her hearing with the skill of a shinobi, Tenten focused on what sounded like a moose being murdered as the unpleasantness found the outhouse, then directed her senses down into the ground to find the pit prepared just for this occasion. Loaded with a specially prepped fluid.

Her smile was evil as she went gleefully through the seals.

"Water Style: Geyser from Hell!"

*****O*****

"Oh! I'm _so_ sorry, Dingdong-sama!" Tenten cooed as she attempted to clean off their guest with a dainty hand, smearing more than actually removing anything. "First the needle, then my rake, and now this."

_This is great_! So far things were going perfectly. While her parent and grandmother looked on from a safe distance, Tenten pretended not to notice he was filthy enough to gag a maggot.

"Tenten-san," he said as he moved away from her before the ick was ground into the exorbitantly priced fabric anymore. "Aren't you disgusted by this… situation?"

Tenten blinked up at him owlishly, before using a soiled hand to tuck a stray had behind her ear, making him grimace. "Oh, you aren't that dirty silly!" She giggled as he blanched anew.

"Maybe I should summon my driver…"

"Tenten," her grandmother called over to her from the house, "a teammate of yours has come to pay his respects."

"Oh, goodie!" Tenten squealed with delight, exaggeratedly twirling in place. She turned back to face the unpleasantness, who was attempting to edge away from her with all the subtlety of Gai-sensei during calisthenics. "I told my teammate all about you and he just had to meet you!"

"Thank you for gracious hospitality!" a familiar voice boomed before bounding out of the back door came the aforementioned teammate. In his uniform. Stylin'.

"Greetings! I am the Handsome Devil of the Hidden Leaf Village! My name is Rock Lee!" Lee gave the unpleasantness an enthusiastic thumbs up and a broad white toothed smile that gleamed in the orange evening light. "I am most glad to meet the fiancé of such a dear friend as Tenten-san!"

The unpleasantness' voice was tiny. "Friend?"

"Oh, yes!" Tenten cooed, batting her eyelashes. "Lee is like my brother we are so alike." She pretended not to notice Dingdong wasn't even trying to hide his attempts to find an escape route. "Lee has even offered to show you something valuable outsiders rarely see!"

"That is correct!" Lee confirmed loudly, an emphatic pump of his fist. "It is called the Konoha Ultimate Taijutsu Technique: Thousand Years of Pain!"

*****O*****

"For not being a shinobi, your ex-fiancé has admirable speed," Lee noted, commenting on just how fast the staggering Dingdong had gotten into his carriage and ordered the driver to return home as fast as possible.

"Yup," Tenten agreed as she took a bite of the leftovers from dinner. No reason to let good food go to waste. She and Lee were sitting in the grass behind her house, enjoying the quiet.

"He looked quite battered," Lee said as he chewed on a dumpling. "I do not believe he will be tempted to reconsider."

Tenten smiled evilly. "That's nothing. It didn't get to do half the things I had planned." She snickered. "And the secondary herbs I feed him haven't even kicked in yet. We'll miss the best part."

Lee nodded sagely, and made a few mental notes to himself.

1) Admit to Neji he was wrong to think Tenten needed assistance.

2) Do his best to prevent Sakura-chan and Tenten from discussing poisons with each other ever again.

* * *

AN: It royally ticks me off that people think that a forced marriage could possibly bring happiness, and actually think they deserve commendation and support for such a ridiculous (as in, worthy of ridicule) and flimsy plot device. No person with any self-respect or options would put up with such a situation, and that includes fictional characters written to be strong people. Especially a trained assassin, who has an abnormally broad range of options between their specific training and a sliding scale of morality.

I'll get off my soap box now.

Zanbato are giant swords. Think Sanosuke from Rurouni Kenshin.

For those not in on the joke, 'Dingdong' means fool, and 'Nuh Doi' us a variant on 'no duh', something said to people who have said something foolish.

The name Wrong Guy, Wrong Finger, comes from a greeting card announcing the calling off of an engagement. The inside of the card reads; "Picked the wrong guy, gave him the wrong finger". I thought that was pretty clever, but I can't remember the name of the company.

The bit with Lee at the end was inspired by the amazing Ultimate Taijutsu Technique by Cyberwolf. A must read.

The next chapter of Journey Through Night will be up next Friday, as previously promised.

Review if you like it!


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